


something such as love

by ohvictor



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Crush, background tasutsumu, nocturnality-era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 17:12:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18392762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohvictor/pseuds/ohvictor
Summary: As Azuma and Tasuku rehearse an important scene from Nocturnality, Azuma worries about his feelings getting in the way.





	something such as love

**Author's Note:**

> (continues barging into the a3 tag) this fic takes place roughly between episodes 8 & 9 of [nocturnality](https://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=Nocturnality/Episode_1), or rather, after azumas opened up to winter troupe but before opening night (may require streeeetching the timeline a little bit, lol). i referenced the [play script here](https://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=Play/Nocturnality#Play_Translation). (for new fans, this is post-part 1, pre-part 2.) not sure this really requires a teen rating but just to be safe. 
> 
> title is from shoutai ([lyrics here](https://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=Shoutai)). god. i love this fuckin song

Rehearsals for ‘Nocturnality’ are going smoothly now, with the two leads in better sync than ever. That’s what Tasuku thinks, anyway; Azuma overheard him saying so to Tsumugi, arms stretched behind his head and a relaxed smile on his face, and Tsumugi had nodded. Probably relieved, since as the troupe leader, it would fall on him to correct any problems, more so since it’s his own boyfriend who’s playing second lead.

Azuma doesn’t disagree with Tasuku. Rehearsals _are_ progressing more smoothly, and he’s feeling more secure in the way he plays Reo. And more than anything else, he feels comfortable with Tasuku.

Maybe more than comfortable. But he respects Tasuku, and he respects Tsumugi, and he wouldn’t do anything that might get in the way of their happiness. It’s enough that he can spend time with Tasuku in rehearsal, and anyway, he has the rest of winter troupe. If his room feels lonely, it’s good character research for Reo, and if it gets to be _too_ much he can go to Homare and Hisoka’s room, or down to the kitchen to mingle with the other troupes. He likes it when the kids call him _Azu-nee_ , or when the adults fawn over his soft skin and hair. This company is an easy place to forget his loneliness.

Yes! It’s all okay. ...and he applies his most alluring cologne before going to Tasuku’s room to run through the script with Tasuku _purely_ for his own gratification, of course.

That and Tasuku doesn’t seem to actually notice. As soon as Azuma gets settled, sitting cross-legged in Tsumugi’s desk chair like they’re college students working on a group project, Tasuku’s already pacing the room, thinking aloud about his ideas for blocking. He references like four different theatre styles, Russian, British, American, something else, before Azuma decides that listening to Tasuku be passionate about theatre is less cute than Tasuku actually talking about comprehensible things. He waves his script, catching Tasuku’s attention mid-stride.

“You’ll have to use layman’s terms for me,” Azuma says, playing up a bashful smile. “I may be sitting in Tsumugi’s chair, but I’m not him, you know?”

“Ah, you’re right,” Tasuku says immediately, “sorry...” His cheeks flush with embarrassment, and Azuma tells himself not to think it’s adorable. “What I mean is...” He looks stumped for a moment, and then comes up to Azuma and sits on the floor in front of his chair, setting his script in Azuma’s lap. The script booklet looks tattered from a distance, but up close it’s clear that it’s just been well-studied, with scribbled notes covering the margins, and various words underlined and highlighted. Tasuku starts pointing to each line in turn and describing his vision for the blocking. What it boils down to for Azuma is that they should just act naturally, but he borrows a pen from Tsumugi’s desk and makes notes on his own script as well. It can’t hurt.

“I think the most climactic scene is the... On page 17,” Tasuku says, flipping back to it, “the bite scene. It’s important to cheat out so that the audience can see what’s happening—you know, angle our bodies so that the audience can still see what’s happening, even as Reo’s bent over Kouta.” It’s charming that he’s taking Azuma’s request for layman’s terms to heart, but Azuma _knows_ what cheating out is. “Or we could not, and have it be more intimate? Since the line _does_ suggest what’s happening.”

Azuma nods. “I think if I lean down, my hair will hide whatever it is I do. But do you think it’s better for the audience to see?”

“Well, the stage will be dark.” Tasuku taps his chin. “Or we could use a spot.” He looks up at Azuma, frowning suddenly. “But you’re not _actually_ going to bite me...are you, Azuma-san?”

Azuma’s poor bisexual heart skips a beat. How can Tasuku say such flirty things when he doesn’t mean them...! “I... I suppose not,” he says. “The stage directions say so, but it’s easy enough to fake...”

“We could just have a blackout and then say the line about biting.” Tasuku snags a pen from Tsumugi’s desk too and clicks it open, about to make a note in his script.

“Wait,” Azuma says, as an idea occurs to him, and then regrets opening his mouth, but Tasuku looks up at him, waiting to hear Azuma’s suggestion. It can’t hurt, right? They’re all actors here. “What if...” He tries to take every bit of flirtation out of his voice. “What if Reo kissed Kouta instead?”

He watches Tasuku’s face carefully; Tasuku’s eyes open a little wider in surprise, but then the understanding sinks in, and he nods. “Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought their relationship was like that.”

“Of course not,” Azuma says, as if he wasn’t nervous at all.

“I think you’re right. I think a kiss would validate the arc of their relationship in a different way than the bite does, even if the stage directions say it’s a bite.” Tasuku nods again, as if he’s still considering. “And, well... It would be nice, since you and I aren’t straight, to have a play where our characters aren’t straight either.”

Tasuku’s considering a lot of layers that Azuma’s flustered gay brain had not. “Yes,” he says, “I think it’d be...really good.”

“And afterwards,” Tasuku continues, examining the script, “the lights could fade out, and then you could get a spot for your final line, the ‘Goodnight and sweet dreams.’”

Azuma hadn’t thought that far through it, but he nods. “Yes, I think that would look nice.”

“Yeah. That’s a good suggestion,” Tasuku says. “I would want to ask the director and Minagi what they think, since it might be significant for the company as a whole, and of course, Minagi wrote the script.” Azuma nods. Of course Tasuku would want to be careful. “But we can run it like that just with us and see how it feels. Since we’re playing Reo and Kouta ourselves, we know their hearts best out of anyone now.”

This isn’t what Azuma expected. He hurries to wipe any surprise from his face. “Sure. Just— Right here?”

“Yeah, sure.” Tasuku heaves himself up off the floor. “I’ll sit on my bed, and you can stand beside it and then join me when it’s time for the kiss. Being by my bed will convey that intimacy of the stage with only a spot on us, don’t you think?”

This has _got_ to be a joke, Azuma thinks miserably, getting off the desk chair and moving to the bed, but at least if it _is_ a joke, Tsumugi is in on it, so Tasuku isn’t going against his partner. It’s hard to get into character like this, hard to imagine being a cold, lonely vampire sitting next to the warm object of his affections, except somehow it’s not hard at all, because Azuma feels like a stranger in this room, and Tasuku radiates warmth even when Azuma isn’t touching him. Except vampires don’t have hearts, and Azuma’s is beating so fast he feels faint. How unbecoming... Hasn’t he been in intimate situations with handsome people hundreds of times...? What is it about Tasuku that makes everything so...

He steadies himself as Tasuku sits on the bed and puts his script aside. “You can start from ‘This is goodbye’, okay?” Tasuku says. “I think that makes sense.”

Azuma nods. He takes a breath, reaching for the character of Reo that resides not far from his thoughts these days. Cold, and sharp, like holding a blade in your palm. Lonely, unhappy; guilty from the revelation he’s just imparted on his dear host. “‘This is goodbye, Kouta. I’m glad I met you.’”

He sees Tasuku slip into Kouta, his expression turning scared and sad. “‘I know about your circumstances now. There’s no need for you to leave, is there?’”

Azuma shakes his head. “‘If I stay here, you’ll get involved too.’” He takes a breath, and smiles sadly, meeting Tasuku’s eyes. “‘I can now believe that there’s meaning to this tedious life, as long as humans like you exist. Thank you.’”

The lines feel heavier now, in a way that startles Azuma and makes the air in the room feel thicker. Azuma had always toyed with the idea that Reo harbored romantic feelings for Kouta, but with Tasuku’s explicit approval, and knowing Tasuku is playing toward a climax scene featuring a kiss, each line they trade off holds the weight of painful feelings.

“‘Wait!’” Tasuku launches himself up off the bed, approaching Azuma. This wasn’t something they mentioned adding to the blocking, but it feels correct. Tasuku reaches for Azuma’s hands, and Azuma thinks—Reo wants this, but he wouldn’t allow it—and pulls his hands away, hiding them behind his back. Tasuku’s frown deepens, and the next line becomes different, a plea. “‘Are you planning to collapse out on the street by yourself again...?’”

Azuma turns his face away. Ah, they didn’t establish the audience position, so he may have just hidden his face, but it’s okay, right? This is just a rough draft. “‘I’ll be careful.’”

Tasuku huffs. “‘Are you going to keep moving from place to place while spending the rest of your life on your own?’”

“‘That’s our fate.’”

It’s a cold line. In past rehearsals, Tasuku would have had Kouta react angrily, frustrated at being shut out and worried for Reo’s safety. But now, Tasuku steps closer and puts his hand to Azuma’s cheek. Azuma is so surprised that he lets Tasuku turn his face back, so that they can meet each other’s eyes.

“‘Then take me with you,’” Tasuku whispers.

Reo’s next line is easy. Azuma’s surprised, and so is Reo. “‘What—’”

“‘I’m _saying_ ,’” Tasuku continues, cutting Azuma off perfectly, “‘I’ll be your companion. I’ll become anything, even a vampire...’” _For you_ , his eyes say.

He sounds so certain, so devoted. Azuma feels more acutely than ever the anguish Reo must be in, knowing the dangers of staying with Kouta, wanting to protect his life, but just as strongly, wanting him by his side...

“‘Thank you, Kouta,’” he murmurs, “‘Just hearing those words from you, I—’”

Usually, at this line, Azuma would lean closer and put his hands on Tasuku, getting ready for the bite, which they would never actually act out. Now, Tasuku’s hand is already on Azuma’s cheek. Azuma brings his own hand up and places it on Tasuku’s, keeping Tasuku’s hand there. He looks into Tasuku’s burning eyes. This is the part that would become a kiss, and since Reo is the one to bite Kouta in the script, Reo has to be the one to kiss Kouta now. Azuma’s kissed people he’s felt very little for dozens of times. The physical act of kissing is easy. Except that it’s Tasuku, and Tasuku’s looking at Azuma like he wants to rip Azuma’s heart out and hold it in his palms like  it’s the most precious thing, and Azuma feels a little faint.

“‘I...’”

Carefully, he turns his face to the side, and kisses Tasuku’s palm.

The flash of confusion on Tasuku’s face could be Tasuku’s own, but Tasuku doesn’t break character. “‘Reo...?’” Azuma closes his eyes, and kisses Tasuku’s wrist, then his arm, inching his way closer to Tasuku. “‘You’re—’” Tasuku says, cutting the line off without a verb. Azuma presses his lips to Tasuku’s arm, to the visible vein that runs down through his muscles, and lifts his eyes to meet Tasuku’s. He wonders if his eyes are burning, too.

“That’s probably enough,” Tasuku says, now back to normal volume. Azuma steps back quickly, dropping Tasuku’s arm. Tasuku doesn’t seem bothered, though, and picks up his script from the bed. “When you said _kiss_ , Azuma-san, I thought you meant on the lips. But I liked how intimate the hand and arm kisses were.”

Azuma thanks his genetics that he doesn’t blush easily. He can’t think about the fact that he just kissed all over Tasuku’s arm; he needs to stay focused. “I... I admit I was envisioning a kiss on the lips,” he says. “But... In the moment, the action that seemed the best was... I mean, because you put your hand on my face.”

“Oh...” Tasuku frowns. “I’m sorry for confusing you. If you like, we can run it again and try a kiss on the lips.”

Well... Azuma wouldn’t _mind_ doing that, but... “Okay,” he nods, “just to see how it feels...”

“Let’s take it from ‘I’m saying that I’ll be your companion,’” Tasuku suggests. He sets his script down and moves back to where he was standing before, as if he’s just launched himself forward from the bed. Azuma moves numbly back into position as well. Tasuku reaches for his hand, probably thinking that that’s better than putting his hand back on Azuma’s face.

“‘I’m saying that I’ll be your companion,’” he says, and the switch from Tasuku, awkward theatre nerd, to Kouta, desperate salaryman, is immediate. This truly is GOD-za’s ex-darling. “‘I’ll become anything, even a vampire.’” He holds Azuma’s hand tighter, as if to emphasize his point.

Azuma tries to think. What would Reo do? How would Reo respond to this? Reo’s bitten Kouta before, but now the air between them has changed... Azuma moves closer, tipping his head to one side. His voice comes out breathy and half-audible as he says, “‘...Thank you, Kouta. Just by hearing those words from you, I—’”

He leans in as if to bite Tasuku’s neck, but in the space where he should duck below Tasuku’s jawline, he doesn’t. He meets Tasuku’s eyes, sees Tasuku start to tilt his head to one side, and moves in, his lips ghosting over Tasuku’s.

“‘I...’” he whispers.

Onstage, they wouldn’t kiss for real. They’d do a stage kiss—Homare had explained (perhaps mistakenly, given the way Tasuku and Tsumugi were looking at him) the way you would put your hands on the other person’s cheeks so that your thumbs actually covered their lips when you went in for the kiss. Or maybe not like that; maybe the lights would go out before their lips could touch, like Tasuku said, and they would pull back from each other in the darkness. But there’s no big stage around them here, only Tasuku’s bedroom, and Azuma closes his eyes and lets fate decide.

Fate being Tasuku, who pulls away and briskly checks his script. “Yeah, I think something like that is good. Then maybe Kouta and Reo shared one last night together, some proper intimacy that isn’t Reo biting him in secret.” He smiles at Azuma. “I like it. If you want, I’ll go talk to the director about it right now.”

Azuma’s heart is beating so fast he thinks Tasuku _must_ be able to hear it. “Yes,” he says faintly. “Actually, I... I have an appointment soon, and I need to get ready...”

“You do?” Tasuku’s face falls a little, and Azuma considers retracting his lie just so Tasuku won’t be unhappy, but his heart is not calming down in the slightest. “That’s all right, then. I’ll talk to them myself, and convey your wishes too.”

“Okay. Thank you,” Azuma says. He walks back to Tsumugi’s desk and picks up his script, holding it carefully so that his hands won’t shake. Truly, he’s been reduced to a mess by this; how embarrassing... Like a schoolboy with a crush. At least Tasuku makes him feel young again. “I’ll talk to you tonight.”

“Yeah. You’re coming home tonight, right?” Tasuku grows serious, looking closely at Azuma’s expression.

Azuma nods. “Yes. I told you, I’m going to give up those keys. And I know how Reo feels now, so I don’t need to go out at night anymore.”

“That’s good.” Tasuku pats Azuma on the shoulder. “It’s good having you in the dorm.” He walks past Azuma, reaching for the doorknob. “I’ll see you later, Azuma-san.” And before Azuma can say goodbye, Tasuku’s left the room.

It’s not proper to linger in someone else’s room, so Azuma hurries back to his own. He shuts the door behind himself and presses his back against it, inhaling the scent of his bedroom, clean and pleasant, no confusing Tasuku and Tsumugi smell. He spends a moment collecting himself, and then goes to his vanity and sits down, placing the script on the desk surface among bottles and pots of moisturizers and makeup. He adjusts the angle of the mirror so he can see his face better in the afternoon light coming through his window. He’s not as flushed as he feared, and his hair could have been just combed. Even when Azuma feels like he’s coming undone inside, his appearance generally stays impeccable, thanks to his own hard work and a little luck.

He meets his own eyes in the reflection, and gives himself a sad smile. What is he doing here, anyway? Allowing himself to get flustered over a taken man, reading deep into his actions... Not only is he taking advantage of Tasuku’s diligence, using up practice time for the upcoming play by harboring these feelings, but he’s wasting his own time—Azuma could have almost anyone, including someone who actually wants him back. He’s been trying to find new coping mechanisms that aren’t just sleeping around whenever he feels lonely, but if one of these new methods includes (Azuma grits his teeth) _falling for_ Tasuku, then maybe he’s better off becoming a sleeping partner again. No one at Mankai Company would think less of him for it, and even though he’s playing the lead, it wouldn’t interfere with his schedule; he already balanced going out at night for character research with a full rehearsal schedule. But... It won’t really solve the problem at hand, will it.

Azuma picks up the script again and opens to the scene he and Tasuku just rehearsed. He must have some sort of masochistic streak, he thinks, but he keeps rereading the lines he’d said aloud minutes ago in Tasuku’s room. Here’s where Tasuku had grabbed his hands... Here’s where he’d kissed Tasuku’s wrist. Feeling the veins under Tasuku’s tan skin, and the brush of his arm hair on Azuma’s lips, only ignited within Azuma a desire for more...

Processing everything that just happened isn’t helping. Azuma leans back in his chair and puts his hands over his face, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes until he sees stars. This train of thought will only lead somewhere bad.

Maybe he should go back to living like Reo, really. Reo was able to leave Kouta in the end. Azuma will move on, too. He lowers his hands and frowns at his reflection in the mirror, now a little red-eyed. He’ll definitely make it through this. He has no choice, anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> [tweeter](http://twitter.com/worldsearchyou)!!


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